So we finally had some serious snow here in the Garden State – and by serious, I mean enough to bring out
the plows, sand, and salt trucks. We got maybe 2-3 inches, and it was very light and fluffy. Nevertheless, it was enough to trigger what I like to call The Collective Lobotomy, whereby everyone on the road completely forgets how to drive.
In order to help society at large, I’d like to offer some Rules of the Road for Snowy Driving. Keep in mind that, as opposed to actual enforceable laws, these are mere guidelines that will make my life more bearable amongst the nitwits and knuckleheads on the Garden State Parkway.
- Keep Right. Ok, so this is a law in New Jersey – as it should be in all other states. Here’s the deal: if the guy on your right passes you, move the hell over. And for heavens sake, if you’re going exactly the same speed as the person on your right, and there’s nobody in front of you, speed the hell up. You’re not the freaking Blue Angels, and nobody is giving you points for staying in formation.
- If you’re unable to clean off the top of your car, you’re not allowed to drive it. I’m serious here: if you’re 5’3″ and you drive a Yukon, either get a long-handled brush, a sturdy step ladder, or a Prius. All that shit that blows off of your car is hitting mine, and it makes me hate you.
- If you have no fucking idea how long/wide your SUV is, you’re not allowed to drive it. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Suzy Soccer Mom. I don’t care one bit that you’re able to drive Miffy, Bruce, and all of their classmates home from Country Day School. You’re a complete menace on the road, through toll plazas, and in parking lots.
- Harley-Davidson stickers on your truck do not make you a badass. Nope. Not one bit. Want to prove to me you’re a badass? It’s 20 degrees outside: ride your fucking Harley, and you get props up and down. Until then, you’re just a little punk.
- Four-wheel drive is not four-wheel stop. Actually, forget I said this. Go ahead and keep crawling up the ass of the guy in front of you. I hope to hell he taps his brakes, so then you can learn first-hand that 4WD doesn’t mean shit when you’re on your brakes.
That’s it for now. I’m sure as the winter moves along I’ll be updating this list. Safe travels!